Arnold Schwarzenegger has put his acting career on hold to sort out his personal affairs. Next year’s Oscar contenders are breathing a collective sigh of relief.

An audience member on American Idol claims she was moved from her front-row seat last week because of her weight.  Producers of the show said “that’s simply untrue…we moved her because she’s ugly”.

The words LOL, OMG and ‘muffin top’ were officially added to The Oxford English Dictionary today.  The words ‘hope’ and ‘future’ were removed.

Today’s funeral for rapper Nate Dogg was attended by friends Snoop Dogg, The Game, Dr. Dre, DJ Quik, DJ Pooh, Mack-10, Battlecat, Xzibit, Daz and Kurupt.  It was the largest gathering of rappers and Transformers in recent memory.

Harry Coover, the inventor of Super Glue, died today in Tennessee at age 94.  He will be buried on Wednesday along with a bunch of stuff that’s stuck to him.

Reese Witherspoon married Hollywood agent Jim Toth on Saturday.  Should they divorce, Toth will get half of Witherspoon’s money, plus 10 percent.

A sing-along musical episode of the TV show Grey’s Anatomy will be airing soon. Producers came up with the idea after realizing they had ratings to burn.

A sing-along musical episode of the TV show Grey’s Anatomy will be airing in March. Coincidentally, in an upcoming episode of Glee, the cast will ditch the songs and take turns botching heart surgery.

Phil Collins announced his retirement from the music business.  Saddened fans across the globe gathered in elevators to sing along to his hits.

Tickets went on sale this weekend for Charlie Sheen’s new stage show called “Charlie Sheen Live: My Violent Torpedo of Truth”. It’s being hailed as the event of the year for people who like to pay for their Charlie Sheen news.

PETA supporters demonstrated outside Mike Tyson’s house to protest his participation in pigeon racing. They claim his private jet gives him an unfair advantage.

CBS renewed Survivor for two more seasons with Jeff Probst as host. They figured sticking with Probst would keep the show less unwatchable.

A new application hides any news about Charlie Sheen from your web browser.  It’s called ‘Japan Earthquake’.

74 thousand people applied to be Charlie Sheen’s intern.  Sheen said a lot of applicants look great but that so far he’s leaning towards Emelio Estevez.

Charlie Sheen said that the decision to fire him from “Two and a Half Man” was illegal, unlike drugs and prostitution.

Charlie Sheen broke a record by reaching 1 million followers on Twitter in one day.  Unfortunately, most of his followers have normal brains and cannot process his tweets.

Legislators in Florida are considering a law that would make it a felony to take a picture of a farm.  It would still be legal, however, to rig an election.

Larry King is on tour performing a one-man show about his life and career.  Critics are hailing it as “a must-see show for his entire family”.

Charlie Sheen told ABC news ‘I am on a drug – it’s called Charlie Sheen’.  In other news, a man was arrested today at Miami airport for smuggling a kilo of Charlie Sheen.

A store in London is serving ice cream made with human breast milk.  The store’s owner claims the ice cream is 100% natural and that he only uses milk from free-range women.

Top-rated sitcom ‘Two And A Half Men’ was canceled for the rest of the season after star Charlie Sheen called the show’s producer Chuck Levine a ‘contaminated little maggot’ and wished him ‘nothing but pain’ in a public letter. A furious Levine, who’s made millions off the sitcom, swore he’d never work with Sheen again until next season.

Charlie Sheen told reporters that being sober is boring and he has no intention of mending his ways.  Producers of Sheen’s sitcom “Two And A Half Men” said they don’t care either way, as long as he’s able to consistently deliver his signature wooden performance.

The cast of “Glee” has beaten Elvis Presley’s record for having the most songs on the Billboard Hot 100 charts in history.  Who knew recording covers of songs that used to be on the Billboard Hot 100 charts would do so well?

An IBM super-computer named Watson competed against two former champions on Jeopardy this week and beat both of them with ease.  After the match, one of the players claimed Watson was cheating by looking up answers on a computer.

Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong announced Wednesday he is retiring from professional cycling at the age of 39.  Armstrong said he loves the sport but wants to spend more time with his testicle.

Len Lesser, the actor who played Uncle Leo on Seinfeld, died yesterday.  When reached for comment, Michael Richards said people often got the two of them confused, and that it’s a shame that the man who played Uncle Leo will only be remembered for his infamous racist outburst at the Laugh Factory.

Jimmy Buffett fell off stage during a concert in Australia and was knocked unconscious.  No one knows for sure why he fell, but some people claim that there’s a woman to blame.

U.S. officials issued a subpoena for details about WikiLeaks’ Twitter account.  The subpoena was rejected, however, because it was more than 140 characters.

Peter Fonda called police after he discovered a dead body in a car in Los Angeles.  As far as reporters can tell, that’s the first thing that’s happened to Peter in 20 years.

This week’s season premiere of ‘Jersey Shore’ was the most watched in MTV history.  The least watched season premiere in MTV history? …’Jersey Hospice’.