A hypnotist in Quebec had to call on his mentor for help after he was unable to get a group of high school girls to snap out of their trance. When the mentor said he’d get on the next plane, the hypnotist told him “no rush”.

A parakeet in Japan was reunited with its owner after telling police its home address. Then it said the prime minister should be gutted like a salmon.

A medical examiner’s report said only marijuana was found in the system of a Florida man who was shot while eating another man’s face.  Yeah, that and some nose candy!

A study is showing that flatulence from dinosaurs may have kept the Earth warm during ancient times. A related study is showing that the Earth is being kept warm today by Newt Gingrich farts.

A driver was charged with a DUI after trying to high-five an officer from his car.  The remorseful driver told reporters he wishes he didn’t have beer in his hand at the time.

A man in Nebraska legally changed his name to ‘Tyrannosaurus Rex’, or ‘idiot’ for short.

A man in Indiana says he was rejected by a blood bank for seeming gay, even though he isn’t.  The man said he was shocked to be turned away because the staff there is usually quite fabulous.

Creator Matt Groening finally revealed that ‘The Simpsons’ live in Springfield, Oregon.  Citizens of Springfield, Oregon were momentarily delighted before going back to the recession.

The inventor of Mad Libs died on Tuesday in his home in Beverly Hills.  He was pineapple years old.

A 101 year old woman broke the world record for oldest female to paraglide.  Then she broke the record for oldest female to die paragliding.

Pope Benedict said infertile couples should not attempt artificial procreation because it is a “form of arrogance”.  Then he put on a massive gold hat.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has put his acting career on hold to sort out his personal affairs. Next year’s Oscar contenders are breathing a collective sigh of relief.

An audience member on American Idol claims she was moved from her front-row seat last week because of her weight.  Producers of the show said “that’s simply untrue…we moved her because she’s ugly”.

The words LOL, OMG and ‘muffin top’ were officially added to The Oxford English Dictionary today.  The words ‘hope’ and ‘future’ were removed.

Today’s funeral for rapper Nate Dogg was attended by friends Snoop Dogg, The Game, Dr. Dre, DJ Quik, DJ Pooh, Mack-10, Battlecat, Xzibit, Daz and Kurupt.  It was the largest gathering of rappers and Transformers in recent memory.

Harry Coover, the inventor of Super Glue, died today in Tennessee at age 94.  He will be buried on Wednesday along with a bunch of stuff that’s stuck to him.

Reese Witherspoon married Hollywood agent Jim Toth on Saturday.  Should they divorce, Toth will get half of Witherspoon’s money, plus 10 percent.

A sing-along musical episode of the TV show Grey’s Anatomy will be airing soon. Producers came up with the idea after realizing they had ratings to burn.

A sing-along musical episode of the TV show Grey’s Anatomy will be airing in March. Coincidentally, in an upcoming episode of Glee, the cast will ditch the songs and take turns botching heart surgery.

Phil Collins announced his retirement from the music business.  Saddened fans across the globe gathered in elevators to sing along to his hits.

Tickets went on sale this weekend for Charlie Sheen’s new stage show called “Charlie Sheen Live: My Violent Torpedo of Truth”. It’s being hailed as the event of the year for people who like to pay for their Charlie Sheen news.

PETA supporters demonstrated outside Mike Tyson’s house to protest his participation in pigeon racing. They claim his private jet gives him an unfair advantage.

CBS renewed Survivor for two more seasons with Jeff Probst as host. They figured sticking with Probst would keep the show less unwatchable.

A new application hides any news about Charlie Sheen from your web browser.  It’s called ‘Japan Earthquake’.

74 thousand people applied to be Charlie Sheen’s intern.  Sheen said a lot of applicants look great but that so far he’s leaning towards Emelio Estevez.

Charlie Sheen said that the decision to fire him from “Two and a Half Man” was illegal, unlike drugs and prostitution.

Charlie Sheen broke a record by reaching 1 million followers on Twitter in one day.  Unfortunately, most of his followers have normal brains and cannot process his tweets.

Legislators in Florida are considering a law that would make it a felony to take a picture of a farm.  It would still be legal, however, to rig an election.

Larry King is on tour performing a one-man show about his life and career.  Critics are hailing it as “a must-see show for his entire family”.

Charlie Sheen told ABC news ‘I am on a drug – it’s called Charlie Sheen’.  In other news, a man was arrested today at Miami airport for smuggling a kilo of Charlie Sheen.

A store in London is serving ice cream made with human breast milk.  The store’s owner claims the ice cream is 100% natural and that he only uses milk from free-range women.

Top-rated sitcom ‘Two And A Half Men’ was canceled for the rest of the season after star Charlie Sheen called the show’s producer Chuck Levine a ‘contaminated little maggot’ and wished him ‘nothing but pain’ in a public letter. A furious Levine, who’s made millions off the sitcom, swore he’d never work with Sheen again until next season.

Charlie Sheen told reporters that being sober is boring and he has no intention of mending his ways.  Producers of Sheen’s sitcom “Two And A Half Men” said they don’t care either way, as long as he’s able to consistently deliver his signature wooden performance.

The cast of “Glee” has beaten Elvis Presley’s record for having the most songs on the Billboard Hot 100 charts in history.  Who knew recording covers of songs that used to be on the Billboard Hot 100 charts would do so well?

An IBM super-computer named Watson competed against two former champions on Jeopardy this week and beat both of them with ease.  After the match, one of the players claimed Watson was cheating by looking up answers on a computer.

Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong announced Wednesday he is retiring from professional cycling at the age of 39.  Armstrong said he loves the sport but wants to spend more time with his testicle.

Len Lesser, the actor who played Uncle Leo on Seinfeld, died yesterday.  When reached for comment, Michael Richards said people often got the two of them confused, and that it’s a shame that the man who played Uncle Leo will only be remembered for his infamous racist outburst at the Laugh Factory.

Jimmy Buffett fell off stage during a concert in Australia and was knocked unconscious.  No one knows for sure why he fell, but some people claim that there’s a woman to blame.

U.S. officials issued a subpoena for details about WikiLeaks’ Twitter account.  The subpoena was rejected, however, because it was more than 140 characters.

Peter Fonda called police after he discovered a dead body in a car in Los Angeles.  As far as reporters can tell, that’s the first thing that’s happened to Peter in 20 years.

This week’s season premiere of ‘Jersey Shore’ was the most watched in MTV history.  The least watched season premiere in MTV history? …’Jersey Hospice’.

Ronald Reagan Junior, a staunch liberal and atheist in deep contrast to his late father,  said in a new book that his father had Alzheimer’s while he was president.  Nancy Reagan said the President was only pretending to forget who his son was.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said being governor cost him 200 million dollars in lost movie income. On the bright side, he saved movie goers 200 million dollars.

A new treatment of antibiotics has been found to provide relief for people with irritable bowels.  In fact, the treatment is said to be effective no matter what mood your bowels are in.

A new study shows that bald people still have the same number of hair follicle stem cells they had before they went bald, and that there is hope for a treatment to regrow hair. Scientists are also working with stem cells in the brain to make you forget you were ever bald in the first place.

Thousands of birds died and fell from the air last week in Arkansas, and now hundreds more died in Louisiana. Wildlife officials said they aren’t sure why the birds are dying, but given the recession, the bleak winter days, and the fact that the Oprah Winfrey Network just launched, they aren’t ruling out suicide.

A victorious lawsuit against state police in Pennsylvania means officers can no longer issue tickets to people for swearing.  Philadelphia says the ruling will cost the city billions of dollars in lost revenue per day.

A woman who set up an iPhone app to watch her dog while she was away instead caught a thief breaking into her home.  The loyal dog tried his best to stop the thief by licking his face.

To collect food for the homeless, a medical marijuana dispensary in California is offering free pot in exchange for cans of food.  So far, the dispensary has collected thousands of cans.  Unfortunately, it’s all garbanzo beans and hearts of palm.

A store in Alabama now offers a discrete drive-through window for sex products such as lube and vibrators.  For an extra five dollars you can super-size your order.